My dear friend Emily T. Wierenga, the one who sees, has written a beautiful memoir. This post is part of the Atlas Girl Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with hundreds of inspiring bloggers. To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE!
We weren’t the perfect couple, but we were dang close. We didn’t fight or even disagree much. We blended and melted into a perfectly complimented soul.
It came as no surprise then, as Danny lay in a coma, that I was there, present and pregnant with our son. I remember the nurse asking me how involved I wanted to be in Danny’s recovery. I was insulted.
“100%,” was my quick reply. Nine years later, I understand why she asked and there is no longer any insult taken. The only insult has been the alteration of our marriage; the shifting of roles and responsibilities, the exaggeration of the weaknesses in our personalities all tied up in bows of joys and sorrows.
I found myself changing my husband’s diapers at the same time as our infant son’s. It was a natural reaction to take care of him, to fulfill his needs while suppressing my own, to care for our baby and do what needed to be done. There was no question about percentage. It was 100% and more. It was love, perfect love, right? To lay one’s self down for their friend, their husband?
Now there are times our perfectly blended and melted marriage feels crushed and disintegrated in the wake of traumatic brain injury. With prayers and praise on my lips, I grieve and am afraid, uncertain of the earthly outcome. But, quitting and walking away always seems like I’m putting limitations on a limitless God of the more than I can think, the more than I can imagine. It feels that leaving is diving headfirst into fear instead of holding steadfast to the faith stretched out on a cross-the Cross that not only bore my sin, but bore my husband’s brain injury and the wake behind it.
I certainly have questions; hundreds of them that mostly go unanswered. The What-fors, the Whys, the When- none have been explained. Yet, for all my questions, there is an Answer-Jesus.
Jesus who humbled himself a servant for his people; He who suffered unimaginable pain, alienation and loneliness for his Bride. Jesus who laid down his life for his friends. Jesus who asked for a different cup, yet yielded to his Father for love. This is my Jesus, the one that I want to emulate for my husband, my family.
My husband is my person, my bride, my friend. And as I kneel at his feet each night to remove his shoes, I am reminded that my Savior postured himself in this same way at his disciple’s feet. I am reminded that the God of the Universe laid himself out for me, for Danny, for all of us with the hope that we would receive him, receive His perfect love that drives out the fear of the unknown. And, though I waiver and often ask for a different cup, I am yet humbled to be an imperfect servant in the shadow of my perfect God.
Emily T. Wierenga, award-winning journalist and author of 4 books, has released her first memoir, Atlas Girl: Finding Home in the Last Place I Thought to Look. They say the book is like “Girl Meets God” meets “Wild” meets “Eat, Pray, Love.” I say the book is inspiring. You can grab a copy here.