She was free and light.
She walked confidently and with an ease.
She laughed and danced and loved her life.
Just the way it was.
Yet a storm brewed and churned off in the distance. Thunder echoing and bouncing off the fullness of her heart.
A sprinkling began, light as the sparkling sand. Distracting, but not devastating.
The sands of life rained harder and there was a crack in the heavens, an 80 ft. skid mark that would wrap itself around her, squeezing freedom and joy from her soul.
She walks bound by circumstances she can’t fix and heavy with sadness she can’t bring herself to share.
She hides hurt behind smiles and numbs stress with a glass or two of wine.
She hold on to her God, her husband and her son as they slip further in sinking sand. She, unable to save and repair and restore what has been taken in this battle of life.
Warriors, looking and really seeing myself in the mirror, I didn’t see a woman I knew very well. I’d lost her somewhere in the span of eight years.
Have you forgotten how wonderfully amazing you are? Or, perhaps you don’t remember what it feels like to really laugh until it hurts?
Has your life’s battle wrapped itself so tightly around you that you can’t recognize yourself without it’s weight?
Y’all, I spent three whole nights away from my family at Allume this past weekend.
I am, like Mary, still pondering all these things in my heart and it will takes weeks to fully absorb how richly the Lord blessed me at Allume.
But, my Warrior Sisters, one of my biggest takeaways is the freedom to not be okay.
As a follower of Christ, it is okay for me to struggle. It is okay for me to I need help. It is okay to not be okay with my battle.
And admit it, even as a Believer.
Yes, God is bigger. Yes, God is stronger. Yes, God is able.
Yes, it hurts. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I want God to take it away. Yes, I want to be okay.
I want my husband to be whole. I want my family to be free.
And, I want to honor God with my life, with our story for His glory.
But, I don’t have to fake okay to be Christian.
I can believe, but cry out to the Lord to help me with my unbelief.
I can trust, but ask for His strength to live in it.
I can foster faith, but in the same breath make every attempt to exhale my fear.
I am a weary warrior. I am not okay.
Be free, my Warrior friends, and allow yourself to not be okay.